When is it ok to sacrifice for love???

So my boy called and he’s telling me about his new chick. From the minute he mentioned her name, I knew it was a complex individual. Shawtie’s name is Hypatia. This chick was name after none other than the philosopher from Alexandria, a woman whose work got buried because no one wanted to believe her crazy conclusions. For example, she believed that human beings were incapable of understanding reality. In any event, my boy told me that this chick was somewhat of a reincarnation of the philosopher yet he was into her. I am not one to question my friends’ choice of women so I said well, good luck and keep me posted.

Then he went on to ask me, is it wrong for me to want to change in order to be with the person my heart desire? When is it ok to sacrifice for love?

Never, I said to myself but I couldn’t say that to my good ol childhood buddy who was seeking my most sincere opinion. So my first question to him, how long have you known this person? It was followed by, what about her that make you want to change your ways in order to be with her? So he said to me, “I know this person quite like I know myself, and I am in the process of getting to know both of us even better.”

What does that all means, I said? In a sense, one must examine all the things that you have learned, whether from the streets, classroom, parents, friends etc. You have to somehow examine your history and see if you’re the type to compromise your own happiness. Although I didn’t know much about this woman yet one thing rings true, she was very controlling and knowing my boy, he doesn’t like to be controlled. But here he is being all submissive; this chick must have done something to this boy.


So for those of you who didn’t fully understand the first answer my boy gave me, here’s a breakdown. He’s getting to know her as he gets to know himself, and in the process he’s falling in love with her. To me I think it’s a scary situation because until one fully understands oneself it’s tough to allow someone else in. But then again change is necessary for growth.

So as you read this entry, just share your thoughts on the question above. It’s in bold for those of you who cannot differentiate between a question and a statement.

Beaute Creole Part VII (The friendly gathering)

So far more than 50 people have been confirmed for this party and FAC and I are trying to make sure everything goes smoothly. It’s sort of like the grand encounter of ghetto fabulous vs. preppy fabulous. In any event, FAC and I drew a list of all the things needed and we made sure to buy a few extra dollars of everything. Just in case more people show up. She was assigned to handle the grocery and I the liquor, music, cleaning up and decorations.

Its party time and people are showing up in bunches. We had several games set up, both indoor and outdoor. Dominoes, poker, bingo, couples Q+A, and Truth or dare…the food was set up by calories, from high to low (brilliant idea from FAC). We made sure to greet everyone as they were coming in and offered the appetizers and hors d’oeuvres. Giving that it was a hot summer day, most of the attendees were dress in summer attire. FAC was wearing a low-key floral summer dress. She looked exquisite. Most of her friends did except for this particular friend of hers. The one I had a little argument with at the bowling party. I guess she wanted to spice things up a bit to see if I would say anything to her. Well, it didn’t work. I treated her like everyone and she pulled FAC aside and asked her if I was kissing up to her or something because I didn’t even question her wardrobe. In truth, I wanted to say something because this chick looks like a hot ghetto mess but I wanted this to be a great event, so I subdued.

My thinking is that this particular is going to be around for a long time and if I wanted to deal with FAC, I needed to find a middle ground in dealing with her. So the best approach for the party was to smile, be nice, and keep everything short. During the Truth or dare session, everyone had some crazy dares, we had fun with it and actually had a very combative debate immediately following that. It was then that I realize that this particular friend wasn’t as dumb as she looked and that she had some qualities that I appreciated. In fact, we both found something that was worth appreciating and had a very positive talk.

Some of my male friends actually hooked up with FAC’s friends and no one wanted to leave. So we ended up partying till the next morning and everyone went home. A lot of crazy stuff went on in the middle of the night though. I swear I had one of her friends saying, put your sock in my mouth. Lol. But then again, I didn’t see it, so I won’t speculate much.

Now I have to clean up and afterward FAC and I are going to chill at deux. That was supposed to be my incentive so I rushed my behind up and disposed everything accordingly. Once finished, I rushed to the shower and once again, enter Ms. FAC.

Beaute Creole part VI (It's official)

FAC got a txt and it says “come over for dinner at 7pm sharp…you know where”
It’s 6:59 and FAC is standing at the door, she was about to ring the bell when she noticed a note stating that it was open…as she’s walking in, rose petals are falling down from the ceiling…and a voice came on

“FAC, clearly this is new for me
I get so excited when you're here,
Rest assure there are no games
you’re all I see and I want to explore this,
I think we got something special going
so bear with me”

By this time, FAC is speechless. This is not the dinner she expected but then again even though this guy had some issues yet he was unique. He was his own man. He did everything his way and he is so detail oriented. She liked that about him. He was always on point.

He’s standing there with a bouquet of red roses. The candles had been lit. Wine had been poured. He whispered a few things in her ears and then he served her the meal. It was her favorite meal. Once again, she’s shocked, she didn’t think he would remember but like I said before this cat is listening even when he appears like he isn’t. His kindness deserved another kiss, so she planted a wet one on him.

He ended up apologizing for the way things turned out with her friends a couple of weeks ago. They discussed the matter and many more while dining and with each passing second they became a lot more into each other. For one, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other; she spent the entire night blushing and playing footsie.

So three questions came up during their conversation: 1) how do they integrate their friends into their relationship without jeopardizing what they’re trying to build? 2) is group outings important when one is trying to get their friends to acquaint with their mate? 3) How do they go about setting up the next group outing?

FAC is a bit reserved when it comes to sharing her feelings but when asked why she hung out with these ghetto girls, her response was very simple: they’re my childhood friends and no matter how corporate I am, I cannot ignore them and act like those booji women out there. They ended up agreeing on that because sometimes it’s hard to dismiss those you grew up with regardless of your success level. The thing is, just because you have somewhat ‘arrived’ it doesn’t mean you have to forget your old ‘hood’. At the end of the day, those people you grew up with will always have your back regardless if you’re on top or not.

They agreed to disagree but one thing that they were able to conclude is that, there’s a limit to everything. Whether it’s the way one dress, social behavior, or just the way one expresses oneself. I ended up suggesting that we should invite our friends to a pool/barbecue party to make things official. And it would be our closest friends, which would give us a way to have small chats, play group games and have some fun. And in the process get to know each other a bit more.

It was getting late and they both were tired by not, so he went in the restroom to take a quick shower, before he could come out, she joined him in there…

To be continued…

Beaute Creole V(Meeting the friends)

The past two months we have spent a lot of time developing our relationship. Getting to know each other on a personal level and also trying to adapt to each other’s lifestyle. As with everything else in life, there are always ups and downs but the bottom line is, one should always be willing to work things out and improve on the things that could better the situation. Things weren’t necessarily official just yet but they were moving in the right direction. We had met some of each other’s friends, hung out at various places and somewhat developed a groove.

It’s Saturday evening and I wanted to take her to a comedy show, we had made plans for about a week but one of her friends called and invited us to a bowling party. While I wanted to see the Original Kings of Comedy yet I know she wanted to please her friend, so I canceled and attended with her. She gave me a briefing on her friends as to how they are, how they act, etc. So I figured I would fit right in. When we got there, things were a bit in disarray, some of the girls were just GHETTO, and the dudes, wow, smoking at the alley, heavily drunk and high. I just knew we were going to clash, so I told her that while I want to be here with her, yet I am not going to stay too long. I told her I was feeling the crowd etc. She said ok and agreed that we would leave after an hour or so. Now tell me why this chick went on and told her friends about that? Lol. I was livid. I was overly pissed. I mean, this was something I shared with her in private and I felt like she should have kept it that way. So her friends sort of tuned me out. It was like the whole Gang against me, the booji brother. Lol.

They decided that the guys would face the ladies, so we paid for a couple of games and started playing. Now, I am not a great bowler but I have bowled in the past. I actually enjoy the sport. So we started talking trash a bit but things got real testy when I put my foot in my mouth. I accidently classified one of the girls as being classless. Wow. It was as if they were waiting for me to say something so they could gang up on me. I did apologized but I think my words hit home, so all the girls, including FAC, was upset. The guys ended up winning the game but it was nothing to write home about. My comments seemed to have taken the fun out of things and I couldn’t recover.

While I still feel like my comments were warranted yet it wasn’t the right time t say it, especially when FAC was just trying to get me to bond with some of her peeps. But I must admit, the ladies didn’t really give me a chance to explain myself. I think our opinions of each had been formed the minute we were introduced. The way we were dressed, spoke, and comport ourselves just automatically gave that vibe. So, here I am minding my own business and now this girl had interrupted my flow and opened up a can of worm.

So the whole ride back home she didn’t say a word to me. I felt bad but at the same time, why should I hide my feelings when it comes to important matters? While I find this to be a minor issue, yet it was important to her, so I put my pride down and discussed it with her before I drop her off. We didn’t really get anywhere but it opened up my eyes to a lot of things.

To be continued…

Questions to the readers:

Does your friends’ opinion matter when it comes to the people you choose to date?
Do you need your mate to approve your friends or vice versa?
Does your mate’s opinion of your friends matter to you?

Beaute Creole (The Talk) Part IV

Effective communication is a must for any relationship to be happy and successful. In fact, studies show that the number one reason for success in relationships and marriages is good communication between the two partners, whereas, the number one reason why relationships and marriages fail is poor communication.

So I called her up when i got back to town, we made plans to link up at a local club for a night of fun. In a way we were both ignoring the fact that we had to talk about what happened, so maybe dancing was our way of easing into things. So we got to the club, hung out at the bar, joked around with each other and everything seemed fine. Onlookers could tell we were an item by the way we were acting; it’s as if we hadn’t seen each other in years and couldn’t keep our hands off one another. We got on the dance floor waltzed around and left the club after a couple of hours. We were undecided as to what we wanted to do so i asked her to come back to my place and hang out. She was a bit iffy at first but in the end she gave in; she figured we could talk about the past few weeks and get back on track with whatever we were trying to build. I guess it was like D day. One thing we both kept reminding ourselves is that we must break every situation down before it escalates into something bigger.

We got back to my place and started watching TV. She brought up my trip, so I told her about it and then I returned the question. She told me that she took the trip to put an end to whatever she and the guy in NY had. She and the guy in NY had so much of a history that she couldn’t just end it over the phone. Granted it had been a while since they had last seen each other yet she was feeling me so much that she had to do it. She had to literally see him and cut him off. When asked why the relationship didn’t work, she explained to me that distance played a role. But to get over him and press on with her love life, she had “to emotionally break-up with him”. In a sense, her reasoning was like, “to be with you and because I do not want to compare you to him, I had to go ahead and do what I had to do. “

To a certain extent, it made sense. I had to accept her reasoning because she had never given me a reason to doubt but then again, women have a lot of tricks up their sleeves…and guys do too. Don’t get me wrong, yet I still had to be cautious.

Contrary to what many people believe, successful communicators are made, not born. By this, I mean that being a successful communicator involves learning, or improving upon, a specific set of skills. The key elements of the communication process will help you to avoid miscommunication and greatly enhance your chances of having a happy relationship or marriage.

Now it was my turn to explain to her what happened. It as if she was 50 cent, she had 21 questions line-up for me. This woman was so smart that I couldn’t bullshit my way through things; I actually had to keep it real and just let her in. We ended up opening to each other and just let our feelings be known. She knew where I stood and didn’t have to question whether I liked her or not. It was rejuvenating to actually let things out, clear the air, and although at times I let certain things get the best out of me, but this time I vowed to commit to my promise and talk things out with her instead of bottling them up. There is a very true analogy about relationships that says; communication is to relationships what breathing is to life, and that communication is the largest single factor that determines what kind of relationship a person has with another.


Having had this talk with FAC, I realized how important it is to express ourselves. A sad person can just look sad and say nothing at all, or cry fully for a long time. An angry person can just sit and glare, or cuss and scream and throw things. A happy person can smile quietly or dance jubilantly. We feel better the more we EXPRESS what we feel. The only important factor is: "How SAFE am I to express it now with this person?" Communication requires both speaking and listening. It requires a clear understanding between the major differences between a man and a woman. For example men are more direct and women are more indirect. Men are more focused on results and completion or closure, whereas women are more concerned about relationships and the process of communication. It is this lack of understanding that often leads to misunderstandings in relationships and marriages. FAC and I had just crossed a major hurdle and were both committed to avoid that type of situation as long as we could prevent it.

She rests her head on my chest and asleep we felled…

To be continued…

Beaute Creole (the trial) Part 3

I am such a reflective individual and when it comes to personal relationships, I tend to be a lit weird at times. People would call it PMSing but I prefer to call it, trial day. On the day of the trial is when I am extra mellow, brief and impassive. It drives people crazy and it’s not something that I consciously do, it’s a reflection of whatever negative thing that you either did or said during that day or the previous night. Trial day usually lasts no more than 24 hours and it’s filled with a lot of questions, misinterpretations, different scenarios and some type of uncertainty.

It has now been a month and here I find myself on this big ol bed, I lie awake, thinking of this woman, her smell, her smile, her passion for life, her devotion to her family, her profession, to me, and I was missing her. A lot more than I would actually admit to her. See, she just went out of town. She’s in New York for the weekend to meet up with her best friend and she’s expecting to meet with an old flame for a late night dinner, and while she has re-assured me that nothing was going on, yet, like any other man would do, I started to fabricate a story in my head. See ladies, it’s a lot easier for a man to deal with a situation if he can make up a story in his head that makes sense to him and his friends. It’s a lot easier to deal with and to a certain extent it allows him to relax and be a bit free spirited for however long as he wants. My first question was why is she meeting with an old flame if there’s no relationship? Why are they still talking or better yet, why has she flown a thousand miles to see this man? But then again, she did try to sugarcoat it by giving this extensive explanation. Like all my frat brothers, that gibberish came in one ear and out the other. I wasn’t buying it but I pretended as if I did because I didn’t want any argument. I hate arguing over dumb stuff, especially when it’s over another dude. I am a hot commodity so you can either be straight with me or be replaced.

It’s Saturday morning and my head is going crazy, I am tormented inside, I know I shouldn’t have anything to worry about but I don’t really know this woman like that, I don’t really know what she’s capable of, so I wasn’t going to be a fool and let her play with my emotions like that. Like 2pac said, my mama ain’t raise no fool. So I turned off my phone and started to make some plans for the evening. I wanted to be just as engaged as she was for this day. It’s lunch time now, so I turned my phone back on, there was no messages from her, so I am like ok, I am not going to call or text (I love texting), I am just gonna get dress, go to my favorite store (barnes and nobles) and catch up on my reading. I landed upon this book by Laura Schlessinger,a hot shot Columbia grad who’s been making a lot of noise in the entertainment world. She wrote this book called “ten things women do to mess up their lives”. I swear this book didn’t help my situation but I kept on reading it. It took me 2 hours to finish it up but the book talked about a lot of things in terms of women’s behavior, attitude, and decision-making. While the author illustrated some good points yet it didn’t help my thinking. It has now been 18 hours since I last spoke to FAC and her not calling didn’t help her situation or any argument she could come up with.

I left the book store and headed back home, it was getting a little bit dark, so I needed to eat something before I could consume any alcohol, so I got in, whipped on some fish and fried plantain (I love fish), watch ESPN, and then pulled out my bottle of Babancourt. It was about 9pm when she finalled called me and said, “sorry I didn’t call sooner. I forgot to bring my charger and I just got back from the mall and I bought a new one to call you.” My response was “ok. Cool.” She said she was gearing up to meet with her ex-beau, I said cool, I’ll be going hitting the club scene and I would speak to her at my earliest convenience. (very important rebuttal) So I called my dudes and we went out to H2O that night. Fresh cut, fresh clothes, new jewelry (courtesy of my homie in NJ), and new cologne. I was on point. I swear you could have just plastered my poster all up on GQ magazine. I was THE Next Top Model. So, we did our customary thing, got in, went to the VIP, ordered a couple of bottles, and simply living it up. Educated black dudes, no women hanging on us, good conversation, waiting for the alcohol to kick in so we can get the party started. While it may seem like I am enjoying myself, deep inside I was dying. I ain’t Omar Epps, so I wasn’t in too deep, but my heart was in tears. It was Déjà vu all over again and this time around I vowed I wouldn’t be the sucker. So I got my babancourt on and around 2am, my boy Ish brought some fine looking shawties to the table. They spoke in unison and blatantly told us what they wanted to do with us. So we got on the dance floor, got our two step on, one of tem had me leaning back like Fat Joe, but like Jagged Edge, I wanted to trade it all.

Feeling disturbed, drunk and extremely upset, I told the guys that I would call it a night. So I got in a cab and went home. She called me the next day around 2 in the afternoon, so I told her I was busy watching golf so I would call her later once the round is over. So she started texting and asking me if everything was ok, I ignored her text for a couple of hours, and then I responded and said, I have visitors, so lets catch up once she’s gone. Her response was, “it’s like that?”, well I said, ask yourself that.

So the next day, I had to be at work early in the AM, she called to ask if I could pick her up at the airport, I flat out told her no and that I had a lot on my plate, so hopefully she can catch a ride home and I’ll try to reach her when my schedule permits. Of course I could have picked her up but at that moment, I didn’t have in it. I didn’t want to see her and by the way she acted that weekend, it made me uncomfortable, so I needed to put her on trial for a minute. So I pretty much told her I was going out of town and that I was going to link up with some old friends and I’ll see her when I get back the following week. That messed her mind up. Not even Alex Hitch could help her with that one. I flipped the switch, put my foot down, and wanted to teach her a valuable lesson in relationships. Especially one as fresh and new as ours. So the whole time I was out of town, she was texting telling me how much she missed me, how she can’t wait to kiss and hug me, I wasn’t really buying it. I responded when I felt like it and ignored the phone calls. My reasoning was, I left my charger at home, so I was sharing one with one of my mates. Lol.

I knew that I didn’t want to drive her out of my life through my actions so I played it safe. I text her when I knew she was asleep, so that she couldn’t call me to talk. I figured that she and I would have a long talk upon my return. So I’m about to catch my flight home and I’ll be sure, God willing, to holla when I touchdown.

To be continued…