07 Reflections

The past few days I’ve really been keeping to myself. Part of it has to do with me being on vacation but I’ve been thinking over and over about the refrain from this track by Eryka Badu's how good it is..... How good it is.... how good is...When I think about it, I haven’t been only blessed, I’ve literally been transcended to this new mindset. It’s funny because I finally feel like my old self again, before the transformation. I feel like I am where God intended for me to be. I’ve been blessed. The Lord has been good to me. He didn’t just capture me out of no where, he’s gotten me to a whole new dimension. Even in the midst of family tragedy, he has allowed me to feel like time and space and the cares of this life don’t matter. The purest form of his spirit has been revealed. In a previous entry, I alluded to leaving the church because of the people. And this year, even after I lost a couple family members, people kept on telling me to pray and go back to church, yet I couldn’t give in. But I tell y’all man, I’ve given in, I have succumbed to him and believe me or not, it has made a whole lot of difference.

I am happy. I am really happy. No, it has nothing to do with my new place or the new ride, it’s another form of joy. I am happy because the Lord has found me pleasing enough to restore what was lost to me. He has given me a chance to redeem my soul and elevate myself where I can let him be the guide. He has placed me in a situation by shifting people and moving blocks and open new doors just to empower my life just so I can use this new found wisdom.
I’ve failed many times this year. Not because I wasn’t prepared but mostly due to my arrogance and cockiness. There’s no arrogance with God, this man will put you back in your place, and earlier this week, when it seemed like I was losing it, God gave me the strength to overcome this test. I passed with flying colors and I truly believe it is his way of telling me that 2008 will be better than 07. 4 deaths in the family, mother being hospitalized for an extended period, I got diagnosed with a chronic kidney problem, and one of my little brother’s got himself in serious trouble with the law. I mean, it has been gruesome to say the least. But with this new found wisdom, I think it will launch me to my next level. ‘tis the year for me to get back to where I used to be and I am gearing up for great things.

In the past few months some hommies have left, others have returned, made peace with the first, forgave the last, and dropped a confused mind. My idea of family has changed; I’ve broken generational curses and mundane ideals. I’ve commanded greatness from those I consider friends and decided not to take it to heart if they fall off track. I’ve had to walk away from a few people mainly because they were confusing the heck out of me. You had those hommies who didn’t know what role they should play in your life, and you also had those chicks who were confused about wanting a friendship, a sexual relationship, or simply a relationship. I am so focused right now that I am not willing to wait for anyone to make up their minds and take me off my track. And that goes for family, acquaintances, hommies, and friends. You know the feeling when you’ve had enough right and it seem like you can’t be hurt or faze by anything right, well, that’s where I am at. I have forgiven those who have shitted on me and I hope they understand that I must walk away. Part of this new wisdom is to realize when people are walking all over you and try your best to rid them out your life. I finally realized that life is worth living and worth living merrily. Everyone deserves that and in order to live like that, you need to surround yourself with people who will bring joy to your life. It’s so annoying to call someone and have them piss you off or mess up your mood. No one is worth that much. If all you do is piss me off, then what’s the point of keeping your number? The people in your life should help edify and fortify what God is doing, hopefully they are able to grow with you and speak life into you. Encourage and sharpen you, help you get on track if you lose your way! And respect your gifts and also love you for your imperfections.

Even in the midst of family tragedy, I feel so anew. For the year 2008, I’d simply love for God to keep me grounded and focused. I’d also like for him to help me regain my trust in people and also help me to love the ones in and out my life and treat them with the respect they deserve!

Merry Christmas

The New Year isn’t even here yet and already I feel so anew; New place, new motives, no swag, new motto and better yet some peace of mind. I am finally at peace with everything in my life and I am loving every second of it.

I want to take some time out to thank you for coming through my spot on a regular basis. I know you could have been anywhere on the web but you chose this place, so there must be something I am doing or maybe you’re just being loyal to me. Regardless of your reasons for coming here, I want you to know that I am grateful. I am not sure if you can comprehend my many reasons for blogging. All I can say is, this is my sanctuary, it’s my ‘me’ time, and I there’s no where else I’d rather be expressing them.

I wish you a merry Christmas, be safe on the road and keep in mind it isn’t always about the gifts. Much love and I’ll get y’all in my last blog for the year.
Gros bisous a tous…much love and kisses.

Taking Responsibilities

Should I be held accountable for missing you? Or should I just say, it was my choice to love you, so the cost of that love is my burden and my burden alone?

I mean, look at it this way, how can I take responsibility for you leaving? I know you claimed that I wasn’t enough for you, but is that really my fault? Last I checked I gave it my all, so you cannot say I didn’t try hard enough. What else was there?

Ok, I get it. Now I should take responsibility for being hurt? Or maybe I should have managed my emotions? Or is it because I loved you unconditionally and allowed you to go in and out as you pleased?

How can I take responsibility for all the mess you put me and my family through? What do I say to acknowledge the part I played in this?

Dad, why can’t I just blame you for this???

Season of Life: a boy' journey to manhood

I just finished reading this great book entitled “Season of Life” by Jeffrey Marx. It’s really not your typical biography. This book is deeper than that. The story is about this former professional football star turned Minister and high school football coach. This book entails some very interesting aspects of a men’s spiritual and mental being. It delves into some issues that some men go through during our lifetime. It is a journey of a boy into manhood.

In this piece, Jeffrey Marx is interviewing this Minister and Coach and one thing they touched on is the ‘false masculinity’. The author discusses three different components to false masculinity that we have accepted as a society and we use that as a measuring stick as to what separate a real man from a boy. The three elements listed were: Athletic ability, sexual conquest and economic success. I read on about each specific factor, I begun to analyze the people around me and found concrete examples of how true this theory is really is. And then it suddenly hit me, I began to question myself and whether or not I am in fact one of those dudes affected by ideas of false masculinity. I asked why I did certain things and wondered if I was fixated with the act of declaring myself a man to my peers and the rest of the world.

The results of this deep introspection provided me with answers that I was very satisfied with yet I couldn’t help it but to ask myself some serious questions like, why do I love sports so much? Why do I feel the need to have sex? I also asked myself about the word success and my definition of it? Where did the idea of success come from? And how much of a factor does economic advancement play in my pursuit of success? And if success and money goes hand in hand? According to the Minister in “season of life”, success isn’t related to any of the things I was thinking about. He claims that the relationships that you have built with people are the true measurements of success. He backed up his claims with this, imagine a wealthy businessman with all the money in the world, yet he has failed at his marriage and doesn’t even know his own children. One thing I’ve learned though, regardless of my economical success, the act of making all of my personal relationships work with friends and family will always be a priority…

As the holiday season approached, I urge you to think of your relationship with those you love, those you claim to love and evaluate where you stand. Take a deeper look within you and imagine what your life would be like without the support of that homeboi, the advice of that sister, the unconditional love of that companion, imagine…I urge you to.

Happy Holidays folks… This is only the beginning.

Nookie update...and more

I know what you’re thinking. It has been a minute since my last entry! Well, it’s been a tough week for me and I’ve been suffering from writer’s block but I am back. As the end of 07 gets closer, the picture for me is getting clearer. I have a lot of things that I said I would do this year and I’ve yet to do them. So this week while putting everything in perspective, I realized that I’ve yet to attend a hockey game this year because it was on my agenda of things to do this year, I love the Pittsburg Penguins. I’ve loved them ever since the day I saw Mario Lemieux played, so even though I won’t be able to catch the Penguins, I am going to see the FL Panthers next week and tonight I am going to see my boy Gilbert Arenas. The hometown team is visiting the Miami Heat, so I am going to make my way down there tonight after work and catch a game. Should be nice cuz I’ve been on text messages with Gil and although he’s out with a knee injury yet he’s still talking crap. So that’s 2 things out the way.

I was also thinking about the situation with my ex girlfriend, and how things ended I really get a terrible feeling in my stomach. Some of the things that we had to go through were mentally draining. 2 weeks after we broke up, I found out she’s dating this cat. It’s funny because I had to find out through the net. But it’s ok now because I got my swagger back. There’s definitely a lot that’s going to change for me in ’08. The main thing is that I am running in ’08 debt free. I’ve paid off everything and I am ready to roll.

For some reason, I have been reading a lot more lately. I don’t know if it’s a maturity level that I have reached, but I have never been so into books the way that I am now. In my younger days I would read, but only certain section of the news paper, or specific books/novels. Now it seems that there is so much more that pertains to me and that interests me. I guess I am getting older! Also folks, I am editing my book, The Perfect Execution, so look out for that in 08. I was writing the book and the film at the same time so it’s been very crazy on me. But editing should take no more than 6 months. So hopefully it’ll be a birthday present to my ex or something.


I hate making New Years resolutions because by mid January they seem to be old and forgotten. However, I do have some goals for 2008 that I would like to accomplish. I want to get seriously disciplined when it comes to saving money. And I want to be more health conscious, specifically when it comes to exercise. I’m not getting any younger and there’s no better time than the present to do a better job of taking care of my temple. I also would like to go back to church. Now starting on January 6th 2008, I am going back to church. So if you live in the South Florida area and you know of a good church, please let me know because Pastor Blake is going back to church.

Lastly though, my boy finally got some nookie. YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and now I am trying to get him to change his MySpace page. He says that I have to write the content for him. So I guess when I get back from vacation, I’ll do it. I’ll keep you guys updated as this man is finally getting himself some regular pussy….

The O effect

So I spent some time watching the Oprah/Obama circus yesterday I couldn’t help but wonder about the influence of Oprah in the lives of Americans, specifically, Black Women. Now we all are aware of the good deeds that Ms Winfrey has done, we’re also aware of the influence her talk show has had, but can she really help this untested politician win the votes of Americans. Should we listen to Oprah and vote for Obama because she believes he’s the right candidate??? Should you cast your misgivings aside now that the Big O has thrown her weight behind this dude?

We all know that Obama is a good dude. His track record speaks for itself but is he ready to take on the role of being the most powerful man in the world??? Is he ready to take orders from Bush’s older brother, Mr. Ben Laden? Maybe Oprah has analyzed every possible angle and believes that we the people should elect this man because he is ready to lead and take this country to the next level. I’d like to think that she’s a smart woman but her endorsing Obama will not sway me and hope it doesn’t coerce the rest of America to vote for Obama because of her support.

I like Obama. I think he is an asset to America and the uphill movement. Is he ready for the throne??? Maybe not but he isn’t too far behind Hilary or Edwards. Oprah is a celebrity and she’s voicing her preference, maybe she could have done it in a quiet manner but then again she is one of the most influential women in the world. Does she speak for Black Women in America? To a certain extent, I think so, due to her ‘I did it my way’ approach. She got to the top without much help and Black Women, black folks give her a lot of respect for that.

So as the elections approach, the circus gets crazier, and people like Oprah will try to help you make up your mind, or they’ll it for you. I urge you to pick ka candidate from each side and analyze the pros and cons of each. At this very moment, I am somewhat torn between Obama, Clinton and Paul. I am still doing my homework and hopefully you are too. Voting is what the half of the world hope they could do, so being here in the states give you that privilege…take advantage and make your vote count.

Don’t let the celebrity effect influence your vote…

The caged bird shall fly...

So here I was chillin’ on the porch on this very cold night. Not even a single cloud up there yet the stars are not shining that bright, it’s probably the darkest night of the fall season. My phone went off, so I answered, been a while since she called but on this very night, I could tell she had something to say. She sounded happy, so in turn, I was happy for her. Asked her what was up, she said she was getting ready to go out on a date and she and I could no longer make moves to become one. Because I didn’t take her seriously, I made light of her statement, but on this very night, shawty was serious. She started screaming and saying a whole bunch of stuff. She linked me to a criminal and many other professions her limited brain cells could conjure. What was my crime I wondered? What did I do this time? See, the whole time I’ve known this being, she had been pretty consistent. She enjoyed conjugating her verbs especially the verb ‘to do’. She often call and use it in the past tense like’ Blake, I know you did this” other times she would put her Miss Cleo hat on and say “ I know you’re going to do” and when I confessed to something that she doesn’t approve, oh boy, ‘ motherfucker you did what’? But through it all, I had a soft spot for her…so I let her get away with things. But tonight though, it was her turn to speak. She had her thinking cap on so as limited as her vocabulary was, she was going to use all of them SAT words on me. But she got me though, I felt like a freaking criminal waiting on the charges to be read to me and then boom she lowered her voiced and dropped them on me.

She accused me of not stepping up to the plate, she charged me with having too many options, and she also deemed that i was too focused on my work and career. I was surely taken aback by all these allegations yet I couldn’t tell her I truly feel because for once, I wasn’t going to fight back. I was going to let her go before things could get any serious. She wanted to go and her actions displayed. I needed her to stay but I had to let her go ‘for she wasn’t mine. She never gave me her love yet she felt the need to take it away. Deep within though, I was in tears but I couldn’t let it be known. I had to be strong for all those brothers out there who like to take their time and make sure that whatever situation they go into, it is in their best interest. I ain’t want this heffa to force me to commit but then again I never reneged on my intentions. She knew where my heart was, all she had to do was give me time. But oh no, shawty couldn’t wait. She needed to get pretty and go to fancy restaurants, ordering crazy dish like fillet mignon, and sippin’ on 5-star champagne from places that she can’t even point to on a map. She wanted the glitz, so when she said her peace I said peace too. You cannot cage a bird, you have to let it fly and find its own way home. I was ready to let this bird go, not because I didn’t care, but because I refused to let someone control my shit. I refused to accept this ultimatum. Like Pac says, ‘my momma ain’t raise no fool’.

For a moment, I thought our companionship would grow, but I guess now we’ll never know how the high seeds we planted would develop. I’ve always believed that you couldn’t or shouldn’t miss something that was never yours but the hope that this situation presented was far greater than many others, the joy and meaning she brought, although fleetingly, it was sufficient enough to make one wonders.

So why is she dating again??? She found in them what I couldn’t provide. Like Mariano Rivera, she needed a closer but for whatever reason I was only a middle inning reliever. So today, I learned a child’ lesson. One’s heart is not something that can be seized, no matter how much one may love.

11-29-03

Don't give up on black America Yet

I wrote this article for Blacknews.com a while back. I figured i'd share it with you folks.


Don't Give Up on Black America Yet!
Social Experiment Asks "What Would You Do To Change Black America?"

Washington, DC (http://www.BlackNews.com) - Finding the solutions to the issues of African Americans or should we say "Black America" has somewhat been viewed as a lost cause. However, a single parent from Alexandria, Virginia seems to disagree. Shelly Bell, African American Author (All Women are Stupid Sometimes) and elementary school teacher introduces "The LMPG Experiment."

"LMPG" stands for "Let My People Go" and is an attempt to free the minds of Black America by simply asking the question "What would you do to change Black America?" This question has never been so bluntly asked to African Americans of various socioeconomic classes. "The purpose is to get the media and the black community to get their focus off of the problems and generate some solutions," Shelly comments.

Everyone has their own excuses for not doing more in the Black Community such as finances, time, opportunity, etc. The LMPG Experiment puts an end to those excuses by challenging African Americans to ponder upon solutions to our issues. The question will be posed to families from the wealthiest communities to middle class families and low income developments. Will the pool of responses spark Black America as a whole to begin to work together? Send in your response and see!

For an outline of the project and information about how to participate visit http://www.imanisbookshelf.com or email shelly@imanisbookshelf.com


CONTACT:
Bleky Seide
Prodg.ent.promotions@gmail.com

Dec 26...

So the holiday spirit is almost over, the bills will be rolling in, you log into your bank account and you notice that you’ve exhausted all your funds, you log into your credit cards account and you’re grimacing at your bills and all the money you just blew.

I know you’re probably reading this and saying to yourself, what is the big deal? Well, January first is right around the corner, so that means the rent is due, the car and insurance payments, the cell phone and the gas bill is due, and don’t forget the electricity. Oh the beauty of the holidays??? To me, the holidays are just extra spending days that someone high power designated to break the pockets of poor people. The poor gets poorer while the rich, well, they get richer.

Unfortunately for me and probably for you too, everyone wants something. The girlfriend, the kids, the parents, they all want to be honored on that day. It’s like a simple phone call or an e-mail better yet an e-card doesn’t do it anymore. See, I am guess I am partially lucky. It’s been a while since I’ve had a girlfriend during the holidays, it seems like we break up right before thanksgiving and hook back up right after Valentines Day. Lol. The thing is most women simply could not stand the "embarrassment" of being humiliated, hearing their female-friends brag about the toys they got for x-mas. Of course, the children would never mentally survive in this day and time. So the poor black man feels that he MUST submit to the myth that you need to buy a gift for the kids.
So last week, I called some of my family members who might be expecting a gift from me, especially my little sisters Erminah and Emma(she’s my god-daughter, she big bro got her something nice for her first x-mas. I asked them all what they were getting me for xmas, couldn’t ask Emma since she’s just now starting to crawl, but they all said they didn’t need to give me a gift because they have no money. So I said ok, would it be alright if didn't give you guys any gifts this year? And they all started to whine” why Blake, why?” so I said because I don’t have any money. Well, I finally convinced Erminah but she did say not to forget her birthday. So, I guess I am off the hook for now. But here me out folks, I think it’s extremely important to talk to our kids and educate them about money. Most kids are skilled and quite educated on consuming, but the science of money is much more complex than the several thousand ways one can spend it.

But if you are one who cares about the gifts and the glitz, by all means, do your thing. I am not saying that you shouldn’t. If you have it, flaunt it, ain’t that what they say these days. Well, even if you’re going to spend all of next year struggling again, because instead of using your assets to empower you, you much rather spent what little money you might have had on I-Phones and X-Box 360s and made their already bad credit worse. So please, don’t worry about my little blog entry, just go crazy with the holiday shopping.

Last I check though, Merry Christmas was still acceptable.

All good she was...

So here I am sitting on this flight, plane ready for lift up and deep within I want to get off this aircraft for I have unfinished business in this city. Purpose of my flight: a faceless user whom I met on a very windy day in the nation’s capital while making a pit stop. A mysterious face that was able to capture my attention like few of her predecessors. Different, she was; Meticulous, oh yeah; Beautiful, no doubt. She reminded me of Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess. In deed, she had it all. A pit stop led to two to three month’s exchange of deep and intellectual questions ranging from sex to politics to life and afterlife. There were no boundaries, attracted to her, I was. For in a very long time, someone was able to keep my attention for more than a second, at last, I was challenged. It felt good to be challenged by this mysterious woman. It was enchanting. Her answers were out the ordinary, nevertheless, they made sense. It was a new perspective which I had thirst for, it was new to me, never thought it existed until I met her. She stood out like no other yet I had my reservations.

They say truth is a great flirt; well, this woman was a great flirt. I finally managed the nerves to send her my mathematics and while she downplayed this momentous exchange yet she was nervous about the possibilities of not having to type away her answers anymore. At last, she would have me on the phone where she can analyze my every breath, the pauses in between answers, and of course, she gets to hear my sexy voice. So first the night she called, I was upset. I don’t pick up private calls and here comes this chick thinking that I should change my ways just because she feels like she special. Heck, what was she thinking? Who in the world told her she was special? Just because she was pretty and possessed many good qualities, I wasn’t going to change my philosophy. So I picked up her call and told her to call me when she was ready to call me without blocking her digits.

A couple of days later, she finally got up the nerves to call. We spent a few minutes on the phone and I came away impress. I wanted more yet I didn’t know what exactly. I am sure many of you have had this feeling, this empty feeling where you feel like this person is sent to fill this void yet you aren’t sure what role this person should play. Nevertheless, we kept on talking until one day she requested that I pay a visit to the windy city. I hadn’t been there in ages. This city, the home of some of the world’s greatest figures, and here I am touching down on a very wintry day. As I made way to my hotel, all I could think about was the very first encounter. I’ve been meeting women since birth so you can say I am a pro at this but this particular woman had me nervous. The way I felt about this encounter reminded me of another blast from the past. A very unique and beautiful blast who had my attention till the very end when she digged a hole in me. While I was praying for better results this time yet I am not naïve to think that she was going to be perfect. Such exist not.

Finally, we linked up for a late night dinner. She came off Broadway and the minute I saw her, it was all good. Indeed, she was everything I anticipated. She had on this bright yellow T-shirt and a pair of tight ice-blue jeans. The jeans stretched on her legs up to half-a-foot above her toes, leaving the rest of her tanned legs revealed and followed by a pair of blue sandals with a slightly raised heel. She was laughing all the way to the car, her eyes shone like two twinkling stars. Her every smile increased her beauty by many times. I did not realize how much I was enjoying those moments until I got on this flight. So we made our way to the restaurant and we were pretty much in synch the whole time. Hold up; there was one little problem though, she was too loud. I actually had to tell her that she was loud. It was no big deal but then again I didn’t want everyone at the place to hear our conversation, so I kindly asked to tone the hell down. And she did beautifully. We ended up spending hours together, talking about everything humanly possible. The vibe was there; the connection? Undeniable. it was indeed a Haitian connection.

So we made way to my hotel room. Little did she know, I had a surprise waiting for her. Candle lights were set, bath was drawn and the only thing missing was my slow jams. At last, we found our jam, we grooved till we couldn’t groove no more. It was on.

So I drove her home and here I am now sitting on this plane thinking about getting off and extending my stay for an extra night for I have unfinished business. Should I stay or should I go? I’ll see her again, soon, and very soon.

10-10-03

Dang.

Can’t sleep. My mind is racing. Going crazy. Dang, I can’t even think straight. I’ve been betrayed. Again. Dang.

Check your Status...

In a recent published research, it was reported that 1 out of 20 Washington DC residents are living with the HIV virus and 80% of those victims are African American. It was also reported that the HIV virus was brought to America by Haitians. Now while I will not comment on the ladder yet I feel like it’s not ime for the world to start accusing anyone nation of this horrific disease that have claimed the lives of so many world leaders, young prominent African Americans and many of our loved ones.

As the world celebrate International Aids day, I truly want to encourage all of fellow brothers and sisters to check their status. The virus is circulating at an all time high and many of those who are living with it will not tell you before engaging in sexual relationship with you, so you need to make sure you force your partner to use a condom. I know there are times where you cannot control the urges; you just want to quickly get in and get out. But think about those world leaders who have suffered at the hand of this disease, imagine the urged they had that night after meeting that shawty, imagine the feeling of penetrating her without a condom, and now imagine the pain, humiliation and ridicule they suffered at the hands of their friends and family. It’s ok to take your time and strap up and ladies, please don’t worry about being labeled a ‘fast one’ for having condoms in your purse. If you don’t protect yourself then who will. Strap up before you reck yourself.

1 love.

Being a rebel...

Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you. Sometimes I wish when you called I wouldn’t just ignore the phone as if you’re worthless. In fact, I love you like no other woman. I’ve always loved you even though at times it is hard to express yet you’ll always be my one true love. I am not sure what it is but maybe my rage and anger is too much for me at times to withstand. I know you mean well so I am not going to fight you but I think it’s time you take a look at me and treat me like I matter to you. You value me when I am not there maybe because it boosts your ego as if you were the one guiding me through this journey. You talk about me like no other yet what happen to expressing your thoughts to the one you love. See, too often Christian let their beliefs interfere with their personal relationships and at times it can be devastating. Imagine a son who’s crying out his heart to his parents yet they’re not trying to understand, they’re unable to understand because they’ve been brainwashed by these pastors and fake prophets and ultimately this poor kid overdose on some drugs. If only someone had paid him attention, if only huh.

You also have those parents who can’t seem to let the kid get a word in during conversation so the child end up letting everyone runs all over him and ultimately leads to his demise. I agree there has to be a limit when it comes to parents and children relationship yet how do we decide where to draw the line. Do you just sit back, force the kid to attend Sunday masses, dictate his every move, and enabled him to develop his social skills.

I am a rebel. I’ve always been rebellious. I refused to let my parents chain me. So now it’s hard to pick the phone to even place a call to my mother because my theories and perception of life is different from hers. I used to think that my mother and her husband were ignorant because they wanted to restrict me but as I got older I grew to understand their parental methods and although I don’t approve it, I commend them for the job they’ve done with their kids.

I know they’re proud of me and my accomplishments yet I’ve never heard them say wow, Blake, you’ve done well. Yet whenever I stop by their church, the members know everything that I’ve been doing and they tell me how much of a joy I am to my mom and step dad. I guess through other parties I’ve found out how they feel about me but isn’t it their obligation to kind of let me know how they feel? I guess that’s parents for you, so until then, when that phone rings, I am not going to kill myself and answer it. Yet I got mad love for you mom.

Rebellious son…

Why is it so HARD to get some NOOKIE

I've got this hommie, who is arguably the most negative dude in the world. Hommie knew me in high school, and because he’s Haitian, I’d let him sit at my lunch table, give him free passes to my soccer games, and sometimes I’ll even hook him up with one of my groupies. You got to realize that in high school girls would gravitate towards anyone who was popular or simply because you dress nice or you’re good at a sport, etc. But they wouldn’t give you the time of day if you were JUST a smart dude. It’s like being smart isn’t part of the picture. Being SMART has no rewards except a good education and a good job. If being smart is all you had going for you at my high school, you weren’t getting no play, unless you knew one of the studs/jocks. So this dude happen to know me but when I hook him up with chicks, I always hear bad stories like…stinky feet (pye mayas), stinky arm pits, bad breath (dyol santi), and worst of all, can’t hold a conversation. But I did let him chill with me so he can learn from a true giant. So it’s been 7 years since high school and I can't stand to talk to this dude man. He's 27 years old, had good grades but was to dumb to apply to any colleges until he was 3 years removed from high school, has made a mess of his life, has messed up relationships with every girl he comes in contact with, and worst of all still can’t get some nookie.

So how did I found out, huh??? Well, homeboi sent me a friend request on Myspace and I tend to check out everybody’s page before I approve a friend request. So here I am on this dude’s page and I’m reading his bio…First off this homeboi’s name, threw me off (single for life)…WTF kind of shit is that??? So I am reading the bio and it reads like this

“””MY NAME IS xxxx,I WANT TO BE SINGLEFORLIFE BECAUSE I HAVENT HAD GIRLFRIEND SINCE 13 YEARS AGO. I GOT 15 REJECTIONS AND NO GIRLS LIKE ME.IM ALWAYS LONELY LIKE MR. LONELY BECAUSE I HAVE NOBODY. I GO TO MALL ALONE AND GO TO MOVIE ALONE. I NEVER GO TO HOMECOMING DANCE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I NEVER WENT TO THE PROM DANCE. AND I HAVE NOBODY I NEVER KISS AND IM VIRGIN, SO I WILL STAY SINGLEFORLIFE.””””

And to top it off homeboi got Akon’s lonely playing in the background…

Sometimes I don't think I can continue to communicate with him. He’s always talking about his problems and I am like dude, I am not a social worker nor a psychologist…Go see a shrink or something.

Plus, he has pissed me off by hanging up on me when he doesn't like what I tell him....What it is is that I don't tell him what he wants to hear! He has a history of doing that...He'll hang up on me. Then, wait several weeks before calling me again, and he'll act like nothing ever happened.. He won't even mention his hanging up on me...Just move right along.....

Earlier in the week, he asked me if I was coming home for my ex girlfriend’s wedding, so I told him ‘no’ because I wasn’t invited. Plus, why would I go to her wedding. Haven’t seen this chick since high school and don’t know what made this boy think I’d just fly up to DC for some cheap ass soda. And then he said I should fly him to FL so he can finally get laid… (maybe this dude knows something I don’t. Had no idea FL was a pussy haven) But yo man, this dude’s got "issues." And, what is even sadder is that he's 27 years old with no direction in his life.

But I tell you this, I am going to help him get laid and then drop hiss ass…Even the big chubakka mofos be getting some play from Myspace…so I am going to coach this dude man. What do you folks think…should I help his old grumpy stinky ass get some pussy…it’s not like I am getting any myself but I’m a humanitarian, I am the people’s man…so you decide…if y’all think I should then I will… lol…

Careless and inconsiderate people on the dag-on phone!!!!

If I hit you up on the phone to check up on ya and I proceed to ask, "Did I hit you up at a bad time?"---don’t mess with me and say, "No, you didn't."--But, then, 2 minutes later, you put me on HOLD to have a conversation with your girls, your kids, brothers, sisters, baby daddy, boyfriend and everybody else who’s at your spot....I forbid you for taking me granted and arguing with your relatives about food, water, juice, who did this and that etc… while I am on the phone. At least you should have the decency to put me on MUTE, but when you do happen to come back on the line and I’m able to ask perhaps I should hit you up later, don’t tell me it’s not a problem man because it is. At least for me.

My peoples, I know I am a busy dude but it’s ok to say B, let me hit you back because by keeping me on the phone you’re wasting my freaking time. I understand that things happen at times and you start a conversation and boom, the door bell ring, or kids are crying, or hubby wants to act up. Next time, just say, B, we’re gonna have to catch up later because I have to tend to some in-house mess.

You dig. Because next time any of y’all do that to me, I am hanging up. And don’t bother calling me back too because I am a pro at IGNORING/REJECTING/ & POWERing OFF that dag-on phone.

Still got love for ya though…lol

So forgive me...

So ok, I am entering the prime of my life and day by day I am learning a lot more about myself and my environment. This year has been somewhat lopsided in terms of meaningful events yet I’ve learned so much. I’ve been able to delve deep within myself and carefully analyze my every steps. But before I take this very next step, I am going to apologize to you and you. Yes, you, the future ladies that I am going to meet. The future professional women, baby mamas, model type, cyberspace friends that will grill me about my life, my likes and dislikes, my goals, my five and ten year plan. I am sorry but I will probably not be able to share any of those things with you. See, in order for me to completely open up to you, I must learn to trust you, meaning I will have to metamorphosise into an ‘all women are not the same’ type of guy and that’s not going to happen anytime soon. So, before we proceed any further, I really want you to understand that I don’t need you to bombard me with a whole bunch of questions about my life, my pasts, or my plans. Now, I am more than willing to talk politics, music, black community, America, and everything else. But I need you to give up on the fact that you believe you can change me. That’s not going to happen lady, so stop it.

In case I happen to take you out on a date, I need you to know that I am going to be a gentleman but the minute you flip the script on me, I am going to bounce. I need you to just let me be, let me grow to like you and eventually we might have something. You dig. So ladies, let’s take it slow, one kiss at a time ok. I need you to follow my directions that’s why I offer my deepest and most sincere apology to you and you…now will you forgive me when I can’t tell you why I don’t believe in love anymore, so let me make it easy for you…How can she love thee yet is carrying someone else’s kid? Will you believe me when I can’t tell you exactly why it’s painful to trust women? Well once again, let me make it easy for you, the feeling of being lied to and manipulated and having to find out through a magazine that your supposed girlfriend was dating another man. Will you forgive me when I refuse to open up about my past relationships??? Will you forgive me when I tell you that I cannot trust you…just because…I know you will oppose so just in case you happen to read this blog entry, expect the moment, prepare your reaction, so that you will be able to forgive me when I tell you…

TBD…thanks for the inspiration…

t'es une copine superbe...

My dose of reality is deep. On this very day, I realized who and what is important to me. My friendships that have been attained these past few years are seriously priceless to me. I have a lot of hommies, we catch up here and there but nothing serious. But this once chick, I definitely consider her a friend. She and I we met on the net. But the minute we met, it was just a match. She and I had a lot in common and when I needed to vent she was always there not only to listen but to offer some type of advice. She never made me feel like I was wasting her time. In actuality, she and I have seen each other only once but we catch up on a weekly basis. We’re always on the text, IM, e-mail etc.

In the past, I’ve never really been able to maintain friendships with women simply because things would get out of hands. Feelings would develop and next thing you know, we’re boning, and then the friendship is messed up for good. But nah, not this one. This chick and I, the only boning that’s gonna take place is if she and I are sucking on some chicken bones together. Other than that, we’re good. We know where we stand and the love we have developed for each other is genuine. I have a few important folks in my life but this chick, whenever I decide to get married or have a girlfriend; she’s going to remain part of my life. Wifey’s gonna have to understand that she and I are a special package and hopefully wifey will develop a friendship with her too so that we’re all on the same level.

Shawty, I know I don’t be expressing feelings to you but hope you know that you’re my shawty for life. Always going to remain special and hopefully soon we’ll get to kick it with each other. We’re running close to five years now and can’t wait to multiply that. I know you’re under a lot of stress with your mother being sick and sister acting up but I got your back love. Now, all you gotta do is find you a dude so you can leave them fingers alone…lol…J

Dom, you’re SPECIAL. t'es une copine superbe. I love you so incredibly much!!

Old shit...

It’s thanksgiving and for the first time ever since I can remember, I am spending it alone..so I guess I am going to be writing all day…this one is for you ok… my special ghost reader…

so I met this woman, who for the first time in my life I felt was a spiritual match, but then turned out to she had feelings for another guy and wanted to cut things off with me... What do you say when your heart is so far gone into this person and they just want to be friends with you and THAT'S IT..... Would I be immature or mature if I got upset and yelled and cursed her out? It's funny as I sit here and think about this. I took the calm way out for the 1st time in my life. I was calm about everything and was actually very mature… imagine being nice about this ..lol.

Well I have.

Well, not really.

My heart is still with her, although I really miss the person I met and had those great times by the look out water with. I don't miss who she turned into, denying everything that was told me, making me feel as though every kiss was a lie... how do you handle that.
Imagine the thought of feeling that you don't know this person anymore; imagine thinking that you never knew this person to begin with.

What does life teaches you when you make these mistakes?
Why is it so important to follow your Gut feeling and not your heart?
Exactly how does this teach you to appreciate a GOOD woman?
Why is it you get the thoughts of what did you do wrong, when all you did was be yourself?

shit on my mind...

I find myself all alone driving through the streets at nights
Thinking about everything ranging from women to my open rights
It’s crazy how people, hommies, family, and acquaintances can be
Whatever they think everyone else is, so you see
I have been trying my very best but never the less
whatever it is that I do, my strides can’t pass this test

It’s been so long yet I still can’t sleep at night
Its like an eagle that can't take its flight
My thoughts of you are true
But the memories have become so very blue
I wanted you to take me as I am
but you just had to leave and find you a new glam

I know at times I didn’t try so hard
In my defense, I felt like it didn’t matter and everything would become some dug up yard
Is it really so demanding
For you to just be standing
I thought you were someone else
but now all I see is every other person that you never seemed to be
Everything ends now because I have no more thought of you
Your ass was blown away in the last gust of wind that made me say
Someone else will never fade away.....

Weird indeed!!!!

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Deportation

As I perused the daily news wires, I came across a story that touched me profoundly. It is about Haitian families who was recently deported and were forced to leave their US born children alive. Upon arriving to Port-au-Prince, the capital of Haiti, one of the world's poorest and unsafe countries, this family was left stranded on the streets with no clothes, no food, no money, and I am wondering, why is this? How come the US government didn't grant them a chance to get their stuff? It is an injustice and someone needs to interfere...

I was on this website and they posed this question:

"""" Is your parent to be blame? This is the question I need you folks to think and answer to the best of your capability.

This morning while watching TV, the topic was "your parent to be blame". I understand that each of us has our own personality and usually it is base on our environment and the way we grow up.

Base on the study from the TV show a psychologist found that it is our parent to blame. Because we were raised base on our parents ego and what they want in life. It is also our perception that we will grow up to be what our parents expect us to be; if there's one thing I need no citation or research to prove, it's that our parents have done a pretty horrendous job bringing us up. Yet, I still feel that my failure in life have a lot to do with my parents, just for the fact that while I was growing up, they were my only idol, I had no interest on anyone else. So who should we blame if we feel that we failed in life again of course they’re the one to praise for if we feel that we have accomplish what we really want in life.The situation is very complex but unique base on my experience I believe that our parents can be blame only if we have failed however we can really justify our failure if we feel that we are successful.

Please I want to hear your inputs and your judgment will also appreciate.""""

So here is my response....please comment if you agree or disagree...

While the parents should shoulder some blame yet I feel that the individual himself/herself should take some of that blame for the way they turn out. There are a lot of children who have done great things in life without the support or guidance of their parents. We cannot blame our parents for everything when there’s so much on their plates that they cannot focus all their energies on their children.

It’s like when a kid does something, the first question the community asks is, “where was this kid’s parents?” But parents don't have the luxury of hindsight, all they can do is their best and hopefully it is enough. As young adults who have yet to go through the pain and labor of raising kids, we need to have compassion for the complexity of being a parent and the struggle that parents have, especially if it’s a single parent who’s working 2 jobs to maintain a shelter. Keep in mind that at some point we did things that our parents didn't want us to do;

We cannot neglect the facts folks, from the age of 4-18 a lot of kids spend most of their time outside of the house, meaning they’re either at a daycare, school, or their bedroom sleeping. So, shouldn’t the daycare centers and the teachers take the role of de facto parents while these kids are with them? Your teachers are the ones who aid with the transition from Elementary, Middle, and High school to college while your parents help with the transition from a boy or girl to a man or woman. So like the saying states, it takes a whole village to raise a child. Your parents can be your role models but that doesn’t mean everything they do is in compliance with ‘the right way’ to do things.

I have always maintained that I was on my own role model simply because I like to do things my way and use my failures as guidance. I am not saying that I don’t have heroes or anything like that, I try to use those folks as motivators (MLK, Martin Luther, Gandhi, Cassius Clay, the boat people, Michael Jordan, etc).
How can you say your parents did a horrendous job raising you when they had to work two jobs to pay for the home that you slept in, the food you ate, the clothes you were wearing, the school supplies they purchased, the travel expenses they couldn’t afford yet still found a way to pay them, the presents they gave you etc…I know one can argue that it is their responsibilities to provide for you yet many parents don’t go beyond their means to provide for their children.

I, regardless of my relationship with my folks, will never blame them for anything and it’s not due to any type of success that I have enjoyed thus far. I just feel/believe that they did all they could to provide me a great life even when they themselves never had a great life. They went beyond their means to make sure that I had a great education, they showed interest in my social life, they guided me morally, and even when I was to blame for failing my Micro Econ class, they helped me understand that maybe going into business wasn’t the right thing for me… so I cannot blame them for anything.

So I guess, the next question would be, to what degree do we blame our parents for our failures?

Gone too soon little man

They say the idea is to die young as late as possible but little man you left us too early. As I sit back and reminisce on the good old times that we shared. The many times I made you laugh, the many times you wanted to say something but the words couldn’t come out, the many times you wanted to ask me for my name, who I am, and why I keep coming to see you every Thanksgiving. Truth be told, I wanted you to talk to me. Sometimes I needed you to say something, to let me know if you’re enjoying my visit or if you like the books that I try to read to you. Sometimes I wondered if you could feel my love, my touch, my reason for being with you. So it’s November again and I am making plans to come back to Beantown to see you. I wanted to bring you something special this year, so I have been racking my brain trying to find the perfect gift for a little man who is unable to speak, unable to walk on his own, and have never lived at home. I must admit, this year has been tough for me but given that it’s our annual date, I wasn’t going to miss it kid.

My heart stopped when my uncle told me you were gone. It took me a few minutes to really put that into perspective. Everyone is shocked kid. I thought this final surgery would have set you free; you would have been able to come to FL and hang out with your big cousin. We would have had mad fun. I bet you would have wanted to stay with me for good, you would have loved them Florida girls kid. Now, I must retract and fly to Boston to pay my respect, to say good bye to a friend, to an amigo who has never said a word to me. No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow and so I guess if I make it to the weekend we will see each other for one last time.

Hope you know that I will still keep my end of the bargain; I will be in Boston every thanksgiving. Max, Didi, and Leon are going to miss you. Hope you know they talked about you all the time. Whenever I checked in with them, they always had a story to tell. You were loved my dear cousin, you will always be loved, and I will never forget you. Our relationship was special and you will always be special to me. Your father asked me to give the eulogy, truthfully kid, I don’t know what to say. I guess you would want me to speak from the heart, right? I will do my best; I will share our story with the people. A story that started with the “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”, I still remember how you were moved by the pictures. I am going to miss you kid. I know the pain is over, 12 long years with the same old stuff. I love you Dan.
In the words of Marcus Aurelius, “Death is a release from the impressions of sense, and from impulses that make us their puppets, from the vagaries of the mind, and the hard service of the flesh.”

R.I.P. Daniel Mascary

Enjoy these tracks

Here are some of the stuff i am really feeling right now

Sex and relationships...no correlation

The way I look at it, if I have sex with a woman that I don’t know or don’t care about, sex isn’t going to make me care. Me having sex with this woman is like scratching an itch. This goes for every man, once he scratches, he’s through. Many of us don’t be sitting around thinking about the woman or how good the sex was. We just move on with our lives until we get that urge again or until we meet someone else who’s willing to help us rid that itch. For many dudes, as long as they get rid of that itch, that’s all that matters.

A lot of women out there think they can handle a sexual relationship or a sex fling, but they end losing sight of things and wanting these men to romance, wine and dine them when in truth it was nothing but a piece of ass to us. Ladies, stop pretending, it was nothing but a booty call.

So who’s the to blame? Well, in my experiences, the guy most of the time take the brunt of the blame but ladies keep in mind that you are sadly part of our problem. You invite me in wayyyy before you got to know me, so we end up sleeping with each other without you knowing what my last name is, my job title, my hobbies, etc. You never care to ask what I am about, what I bring to the table and or if I am even taken. Boning me doesn’t mean that we have a ‘relationship’. I know there are plenty of ladies out there who are shaking their head as they read this but you know I ain’t lying.

Another thing that gets to me is the many women who marry men who were cheating prior to the engagement or walking the down isle and these women are astonished that a fancy wedding dress or an luxurious wedding didn’t change this man’s perspective. Ladies, why would he change? In what world are you living in? You allow this brother to get away with it from the go and you accepted his marriage proposal, so you think he was going to change all of a sudden? You must be out of your freaking mind. You need to stop rewarding us for our unfaithful ways by pretending it ain’t happening.

Like my father told me not too long ago, not all black men cheat but I cheated and I know many men who didn’t cheat on their woman. I personally, I don’t cheat. I’ll admit, I am big flirt but I know not to take it too far or cross the line. I wouldn’t openly disrespect my woman by flirting with another woman in her presence. But I tell you this, a lot of men cheat because there no real penalties. My thing is, ladies, stop jumping into bed with brothers you barely know. Just because he’s cute or he’s driving a nice car, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to lay there and let him penetrate you. But if you do let that happen, please don’t complain when he doesn’t return your phone call the next day. If you give a man fewer opportunities to cheat then you will probably live a sane life. Be sure to ask the important questions that would reveal his true essence. Stop worrying the material things and focus more on his inner self, openly help him talk about his past relationships, his misfortunes, his ways and how he got to be that way.

To my all my Haitians ladies reading this, stop thinking you got the bomb pussy. If you had the bomb pussy then why did he cheat on you? If it was so good then why did he leave you for your best friend? If a man dogged his ex out, rest assure you are next on his list. Read the signs ladies. I am telling y’all. You are not an interpreter, so stop interpreting what a man says to fit your rationales. If a man tell you he isn’t looking for anything serious, please take him at his word. Stop thinking once you put it on him, he’s going to stick around. In fact, why do you think he isn’t looking for anything serious to begin with? Ladies, are your ears glued the fuck shut? Men don’t have to lie when women tend to be deaf. Bottom line is, if you can’t answer basis questions about me, don’t spread your legs.

See another thing is, a lot of women are afraid to be alone. They refuse to take the time to get to know a brother and they complain that he was the one who pressured them into having sex. Bottom line ladies, if we like you, there’s nothing that’s going to keep us away. We’re sticking around, regardless. But if you happen to just sleep with a man after you just met him, please keep your expectations at zero. We do not owe you a relationship or another date just because you had sex with us. That's not how it works, baby. You’re responsible for your sexual behavior, so stop blaming the man, it won’t change a thing.

Listen up ladies, sex does not = a relationship, a man will not respect a woman who does not respect herself or her body, if you trade sex for material things you are prostituting yourself, if he doesn't take care of his other children why would you have a baby with him? if you reward a dog why should men stop being dogs? You have to bring more to the table than your body. No your pussy is not made of gold. It is only as good as I think it is.

Ladies, you have to raise your standards if you expect us man to do it. Stop taking the easy way out and elevate your game.


PS: This piece was inspired by this other piece one of my colleagues forwarded m

The New Plague

Unfortunately there’s a new disease plaguing the Haitian community and it can very well destroy many families if the right precautionary measures are not taken. Lately there have been a surmountable number of domestic violence cases in the Haitian community and some of them have even resulted in death. A pastor killed his wife and her lover after finding out she was having an affair. There are multiple cases reported daily in Boston, New York City, Miami and other metropolitan cities with large Haitian communities. The number of reported domestic violence cases in the Haitian community has doubled according to published reports. Haitian women are being victimized and abused and authorities feel that most of the abuse has gone unnoticed primarily because of the immigration status of the victims, language barrier and lack of resources.

The latest trend in the Haitian community is for the men to travel back to their homeland to find a homegrown wife with homegrown values. These women are usually expected to be subservient in values and domesticated once they arrive in the US. Due to the language barrier these women usually have to submit to their husbands and are expected to follow all orders. The prisons are now being filled with Haitian men because of domestic violence and most of the time these men find themselves facing deportation after serving their sentences. This problem has gone unnoticed for too long because Haitian society doesn’t protect the rights of women. The cases are usually reported when neighbors get involved and the police are called.

Another common practice in the Haitian community is that these men would sometimes travel back to Haiti with their wives to physically discipline them because there are no laws in place to prosecute these men for beating their wives. As a kid, it was not unusual to witness many women get beat by their husbands as law enforcement officials in Haiti stood by and did nothing. To add to the burden of the women’s predicament, the abusers sometimes also try to manipulate the women into thinking that their livelihood depends on the fact that the husband has to file the legal papers for them to obtain permanent legal status in this country. These women, most of the time, suffer alone as survival is usually their only option. Not to say that all Haitian men are doing this, but there have been too many cases of domestic abuse reported in the Haitian community.

Since professional counseling is not really part of Haitian culture, this continues to be a burgeoning problem as these men find it hard to adapt socially sometimes in a progressive society. To add to that, the machismo state of mind all too often force these men to go to extreme measures to end the life of their spouse altogether. This problem also involves women abusing men, but only in rare cases.

Many of these women suffer in silence due to their inability to speak English and the lack of knowledge about the resources available to them. It is also a cultural shame for Haitian men to be handcuffed. So these women are overly careful with their actions because they never want to embarrass their husband in an unforgiving way. The Haitian community needs to reach out to these victims and educate them about the laws in the United States that protect them and that domestic abuse is not acceptable in this country. Also, these men need to understand that domestic violence affects the whole family, including the innocent children who sometimes have to endure the same pain and abuse that their mother have to suffer.

The psychological affect on the family sometimes can be so severe that a repeated cycle is created for generations to come. The assimilation process for the Haitian Diaspora seem to pose a threat to what they believe are “traditional Haitian values.” These values are the some of the reasons why the country is in its current state. In order for us to have a better Haiti, the rights of all people have to be protected and women especially need to have a stronger voice for the prosperity of all Haitians.

So one “pleur”

So I decided to make that phone call that elusive phone call that I’ve eluded for the past few months. I decided to dial the numbers not because I was curious or anything but because deep down I care. I wanted to know what was going on, how one was feeling, how one adjusting to life without me, I needed to know if one still feel like I should have stayed.

Rumors has it one hasn’t been the same ever since my departure, one has been going out a lot more, hanging out with a lot of bad people and making a lot of bad decisions. I wish I could help out but I cannot. I have my own issues to deal with so what makes one think that I have the time to worry about one’s problems.

I spoke to my mother, she begged me to call one and put some sense into one. She felt I could help one alleviate the stress because ever since I left one hasn’t been one. One has always been crazy thus is one of the many reasons one and I never got along but maybe my mom is right. I do need to talk to one because maybe I can bring one some inspiration, maybe I can apologize for leaving the way I did or maybe I can just offer some type of advice.

Truth is I’ve been so disappointed in one that I don’t really have anything to say to one. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to talk to one but at last one is my little brother, so I have to be there and support him regardless of his past indiscretions. I am indeed disappointed in him but hey, I had to make that phone call. After all, he is my brother and he needs my guidance…

So he cries…

Blowing off some steam…I am still angry

I am very angry, so forgive the cusring in this entry. It’s as if this thing just happened today, so I am very ANGRY right now.

So she called me around 10 to let me know that she was driving 30 miles up the road to hang out with some friends. It was kind of suspicious to me because it’s the first day of the work week and knowing that she has had a hard time falling asleep, I thought she would take some pills go to bed and get some rest after a long and arduous day. Now, I am paranoid when it comes to things like that. The minute something is out the norm, I tend to question it. I like consistency but this once chick was anything but. She likes to take weekend trips and her phone be mysteriously not working for the night. But like every other trick out there, she normally blames it on her phone subscriber. I’m so easy to get along with as long as we’re both on the same page. If you want to trick around, just let me know so I can find me another chick to hang out with. But don’t fucking attempt to play mind games. I hate when people use the world love in vain. I could honestly kill a bitch for that.

So this trick left her home and head out there to hang out with her malecaller. She ended up spending the night over there and then when she called me the next morning, bitch made it seem like she had an early meeting with her boss, so she had to be out the house very early. Like Dieon Sanders, I played it cool. I just said ok and went on about my day. Now when I asked her for the truth, she said, well, I hung out with some friends and we all crashed at this place (right). And when I said, oh really, she was like, B, I am on my period (fuck you trick). And then she went on to rant about a compliment I gave some heffa a couple of weeks ago, just so she can justify her act. I am like trick, don’t say shit to me right now man. I don’t even want to deal with you.

Here I am sending this bitch cards, beautiful notes, poems, and doing the gentlemanly thing…and this heffa is out there tricking…i’m going to lose my fucking mind if I ever allow myself to feel attach to any other woman yo… women say this all the time, It’s not worth it to get to know anyone dude out there because they’re all dogs, but yo, I am beginning to realize that everyone is in the same boat. We are all animals yo.

See, here is where I fucked up with this bitch. She has a lot of male friends (can’t get along with females), she’s out of town every weekend (this bitch has been in more cities than Wilt Chamberlain), and she also claims that she deeply care and loves me (bitch what???). Like I said earlier, I don’t have a problem with a woman tricking out there but don’t cross me. The minute you realize that tricking is more important to you, just be like ‘yo B, I need to do me’. And your wish would be granted…I am so easy to get a long with man. Just don’t fucking cross me trick. Yo, I hope I don’t come across this chick ever again man, because it would be on…seriously.

Why did I get married…Terry and Diane?

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So I hit it on the first night...

So she met him at the club, they chatted all night long, it seemed like they have known each other all their lives. And then the unexpected happened, yep, she slept with him. So let me back track for a second, so you can fully have a handle on this…I am sure many of my fellow dudes have been through this before. Remember that time you met that chick at the club, the bar, or that family event, and she seemed like the perfect match, she was pretty, eloquent, secure, intellectual and many more right, remember her, remember how y’all said y’all would stay in touch but then before the night is over y’all ended up sleeping with each other. Do you also remember that last conversation before you penetrated her, yeah, THAT conversation, the one that goes like, “I am not like this, I don’t sleep with dudes I just met. I hope you don’t see me differently after this’ and I am sure many of y’all had the same response ‘nah, why would you say that boo. I don’t know what it is but I am just so feeling you, I have never experienced anything like this before…” and then boom, the shit went in…bust a nut and your little insecure mind start to analyze this event from every freaking angle…

So I had to give you the back story just so you can fully grasp this entry…So not too long ago I was talking to my compadre (that’s Spanish for homeboi) and he was telling me how he met this chick and they did it on the first night. Aight, I am like ok dude, was she worth it? Are you going to see her again? What’s her pulse? (Meaning, what is she saying now, where does she stands?) so he told me shawty was feeling him and they’re thinking about kicking it for good…But wait, he feels like because she slept with him on the first night, well, she probably have done with many other dudes. Now I ain’t going to lie, I am that same guy who be questioning everything about a chick too. I must admit, I am so judgmental like that. I know I am Mr. smooth, I know I can kick game to many and plenty…but hitting it on the first night is special, especially if she presents herself as being meticulous and so hard to get. Bu then again, those be the easiest to hit and run. I know you’re shaking your head as you read that last statement but it’s the truth. The bottom line is, every dude want to hit but we don’t want to hit it too quickly. Hitting it too quickly make you seem very easy but then again it makes us easy too, doesn’t it? So why the double standard one would ask? I am sure any dude would be like, ‘well, we’re dudes man; we’re supposed to do that’. But hold up my dude; just because she let you hit it on the first night, does that really make her easy? Does that really make her a whore? She probably just wanted to make ish easy for you? Did you ever think about that?

Let’s back track once again, remember when y’all first met and when y’all realize that y’all would probably be doing it, what exactly did you say to her bro? Did you oppose to the idea of sleeping with her? I bet you didn’t. Matter of fact, you told her that it was a spur of the moment thing, you told her that it didn’t matter what happened that night because it wouldn’t change your opinion of her…but hold up though, you messed up. Why did you start fronting a week after all this happened? Why did you start acting and not returning her calls even after you told her you would? So what was the problem then?

See I am a ladies man and I know this because I have 26 years in this game…yes you read right, I have 26 years in this game…and I am sure you’re asking yourself, how old is this fool? Well, I am 26. I’ve been kicking game ever since I was born, so yes, I am a veteran, don’t believe me, check the definition of a veteran and you’ll see my name right after yours. But let me get back to making my damn point, before your crazy ass interrupted me with all your crazy thoughts… The idea of sleeping with a girl on the first night is cool, all players want it that way therefore it’s kind of like sex with no strings attached. But I hate when we as guys take it too far. If you meet a nice young lady, who happens to sleep with you on the first night and if during y’all conversation you agreed to do this, which means you both are involved. I understand that as time progress you may not like her anymore but please don’t make it seem like it’s because she slept with you after the first night. We’re so insecure that we cannot face these innocuous speed bumps. Men tend to say that they don’t like to chase women but in truth we get so apprehensive when the pussy is right there in our face. They don’t like it when a woman makes it easy on them but they end up judging that individual…so my question is, what kind of men are you???

I know what kind of dude I am, a very insecure dude when I deeply analyze what I just wrote. I am that same dude that would not give her a call after I hit that on the first night, I am that same dude who verbally say he likes the chase when in fact I want it on a silver platter, I am that same dude who’s asking you what kind of men you are…in fact, I am the dude.

What kind of men am i??? The jury is still out on that one…but I…I give….hmmmm….i give…Much love to all my strong black women out there. Much love to those who doesn’t mind sleeping with a dude on the first night and still get him to stick by her without judging her actions. Much love to you because I am so stuck in my own ways that I have yet to accept the fact that you’re so feeling me that you would let me hit it on the first night…Much luv to all my sexy black women. You deserve better…

Patience...

It’s arguable to say that everyone has been through a bad relationship. Everyone has been through one those where things seem to perfect at the beginning and by the time the relationship reach its climax, everything just ascend to ground zero. I’m one of those who have been through a couple of those rough relationships, I must admit though, during the good times, everything was peachy. But when it was bad, it sunk real low. It was a tale of two end;

Just the other day I was thinking about the things that were said to me and this is verbatim “now I can say that I was the one who messed it up.” Those words are supposed to make me feel better because for so long I thought I had done something wrong. I had thought of every scenario, I revisited our last conversation and I couldn’t come up with anything. But when I heard those words, it made me feel worse. Because this woman was always telling me how much she cares and how much she loves, so now why would you mess everything up on purpose? “I am just messed up, you wouldn’t understand B”. I bet she thought I would be feeling better after that last line but no, why would I ? My thinking was, if I am supposed to be He that you want or feel like you need, then why didn’t you discuss your issues with me? Why must you tell me now after all this time??? What reaction was she expecting?

I admit we had some issues but who doesn’t? All relationships go through them. Sometimes it’s a matter of who can put up the most with each others crap. “if I were more patient and flexible, it would have worked,” she said. I am still shaking my head about that one… Patience is a virtue, some has, some don’t. I’ve learned my lessons though, can’t everything be all peachy and gravy when you want them to. Sometimes you must go through the rough patches just so you can appreciate the better days…

Better days are so near…I can feel it…

VA stand up!!!!

All Alone...

Gone in the wind is she that was supposed to be by my side till the end. Her departure surely left a void but I guess everything happened for a reason. She left me all by myself but I’m progressing. Her departure feels like steroids because I’ve gotten stronger. I miss her but I still hold it against her. She was an addiction, couldn’t get enough of her. The constant voyages and cultural explorations were great. It’s funny how much I grew while I was with you and we promised that we would always keep it real with each other. I was the one who was supposed to mess things up but in truth it was the opposite. Yeah, I get jealous at times but that’s what love is all about. Me, wanting to be near you or wanting to spend quality time with you shouldn’t be perceived as me wanting to control your every move. It’s unfortunate the many friends saw it that way but I am sure deep down, when you’re all alone in your room, I am positive you know what’s really good.

Now that things are not what they used to be I am sure you are better because you wanted freedom, you wanted to explore other options and truthfully it’s probably the best move for you. I think you need so you can see what the world is really all about. Being sheltered all your life can be tough on a woman who’s just now handed freedom or some leeway, so I guess I’m just going to sit back and watch the story unraveled. I’m always rooting for you though but I’ll still hold it against you…

The church...Now that i think about it

As a young lad my parents would take me to church, demand that I sit next to them, force me to close my eyes and pray and sometimes slap me upside my head if I was to fall asleep during the service. Somehow though, I grew to appreciate the church, not the people, the church. I was very studious so during the week I would read my bible and try to come up with intellectual questions to ask during Sunday school and at times the answers would lead to a lot more questions and the teachers would think that I was trying to push them when really I was just a curious boy trying to make sense of this thing book we call a Bible.

As I got older I joined the choir, boy I could sing, the girls used to go wild whenever I got up on that stage to do a solo. I had my own crew so if you weren’t down with us then you pretty much ain’t that cool. All the fathers who had little daughters they knew not to let my crew get near them because we were vicious. We could spit game in our sleep, boy, I was smooth. I think I’m still smooth but let’s save that entry for another day. I graduated to the teenagers’ choir and every Saturday I would go to rehearsal and praise the lord. I remember when my step couldn’t drop me off, I would catch two busses just to get to the rehearsal site (rain or shine), little did I know, I could have caught the train and save an hour, but hey, I was misinformed, I guess. Rehearsal used to be fun, it allowed me to express myself, my anger, release my stress after a long and hard week of school, and it also allowed the girls a chance to see the real me, outside of a church setting, without my crew. I ended up making some pretty good friends; I still keep in touch with a few of them. My only problem with them was that they would judge me based on my opinions, my reaction to certain questions of issues, my demeanor (laid back and arrogant), and my intellects. That in some ways pushed me further away from the church. I felt like if the kids could do that then their parents might be a lot worse.

There were a few parents that I clicked with at the church but they always wanted to preach to me while I was looking for someone to talk to, listen to me, and explain me things that I couldn’t fully grasp. That pretty much drove me out the church. I questioned everything about God, the people that serves him and also the very own Bible that I’m supposed to live by. By the time I got to college, all I wanted to do was party. I would party five nights a week and I was banking off of it so I was consistent. I couldn’t really close my eyes at night because I was afraid that I would find a way to pray and thank God when in fact my conscience was not right with him.

I’ve been in so many situations whereby I felt like I could have lost my life yet I survived. I wonder why he has come through for me when in fact I have lost faith in him. This year has been the worst of my life, I’ve wonder if in fact he is even listening, I wonder if he still considers me as part of his clan, I want to press forth but it seems like he’s not letting me be. I, like many other people who consider themselves scholars, I would like to think that we face this everyday. We get to a crossroad in our lives and we simply question everything, we lose faith in the Almighty, not because we don’t know any better but because we’re human beings.

Yes, I’ve lost faith, yes, I am somewhat lost and I wonder what the next step is, but I wonder if he would allow me to retrace things and simply point me in the right decision. My mom says to ask him for help but I have. My friends tell me to simply talk to him like homeboi and he would understand, but I’ve done that already. So far nothing has happened. I feel stuck. I need to get back to where I used to be. In truth, I need to get back to church where I’m surrounded by people that can help me make better decisions for myself and my future. I need to be around non hypocritical people that would allow me to be and just come just as I am.

I wonder if He’d listen then…

The Perfect Execution (short story)

The Perfect Execution

BS

What started as a friendly compliment turned into a love fest, at least on my part. The first time we spoke, it was melancholic; she was something different, something so unique; she was way older. But I was game. I wanted to explore. I wanted to be with her. I would have done anything to be with her. I didn’t spit game; I expressed true feelings and emotions. On my end, it was true. The long night phone calls, the distance between us, the constant rumors, we seemed to have put up with it all. (2003)

Our first encounter, it was crazy. We did what we had to do, we talked about everything and how we wanted things to be. True that I was younger yet I held my own. My sex game was on point. Five, six, seven orgasms were nothing. I could lay the pipe like any construction man. Her canals were filled; her sexual life was never quite as exciting because my sex game was hot. (2004)

Emergency flights were nothing…Missing work was nothing…I was game. I loved the woman. I loved her being. But I was afraid of her; afraid that she was not always sincere with me. It started with “brother man said this to mother man, and she isn’t too happy with the situation”. Bullshit and you know it. No one will ever tell me what’s good for me. If you wanted what you said you wanted then mother man’s opinion wouldn’t have mattered. (2004)

Truth be told…You carried out the perfect plan. You are victorious. I lost you win. The spotlight is all yours. The attention that you so crave, well, you got it.

You thought it, you planned it, you manipulated your way, and you got the results you so desire.

The Perfect Execution is a fictitious short story written by me, it’ll be out soon. (The past revisited). Commemorating a disastrous event…



Copyright © 2007 Bleky.Seide

Psalm 51:10

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. “
Psalm 51:10

I sometimes wonder if God still care or if He turns his head for just a little…The intellect in me knows that He wouldn’t do, he’s omnipresent and omnipotent so such thing wouldn’t occur yet I wonder. I’m not a bad person but I do have evil thoughts. Like my roommate who constantly runs his mouth about shit that has nothing to do with him, I’d like to duke it out with him or maybe I’d like to give him an overdose of pepto bismol. The motherfucker talks too danm much and it’s irritating me.

I also want to hate my ex girl but I cannot. It wouldn’t be right. She’s a nice a girl. A good girl at times. Very materialistic but that’s only because she has a lot of friends who are sleeping with dudes to get what they want, so in a way, my ex girl is either envious or jealous. Bu then again she claims to be different from these hoodrats yet she’s with them all the time. I want to lock her in a room and show her many videos of people who had their reputation tainted because of other people’s mishaps. I know I’ve been a victim of that and so have many of my colleagues.

I wish God would renew my spirit and create in me a pure heart. Lord knows I mean well but my actions aren’t not in line with my heart. The constant scrutiny in my community has somehow affected me and to a certain extent I’ve become careless…not in my actions but my reactions. I need a change of scenery so that I can go back too being me again. I sometimes reminisce on how much fun I used to have just to talk to different community leaders about their projects, plans and aspirations. I miss that…

I need a change big time because I can’t feel my heart…