The caged bird shall fly...

So here I was chillin’ on the porch on this very cold night. Not even a single cloud up there yet the stars are not shining that bright, it’s probably the darkest night of the fall season. My phone went off, so I answered, been a while since she called but on this very night, I could tell she had something to say. She sounded happy, so in turn, I was happy for her. Asked her what was up, she said she was getting ready to go out on a date and she and I could no longer make moves to become one. Because I didn’t take her seriously, I made light of her statement, but on this very night, shawty was serious. She started screaming and saying a whole bunch of stuff. She linked me to a criminal and many other professions her limited brain cells could conjure. What was my crime I wondered? What did I do this time? See, the whole time I’ve known this being, she had been pretty consistent. She enjoyed conjugating her verbs especially the verb ‘to do’. She often call and use it in the past tense like’ Blake, I know you did this” other times she would put her Miss Cleo hat on and say “ I know you’re going to do” and when I confessed to something that she doesn’t approve, oh boy, ‘ motherfucker you did what’? But through it all, I had a soft spot for her…so I let her get away with things. But tonight though, it was her turn to speak. She had her thinking cap on so as limited as her vocabulary was, she was going to use all of them SAT words on me. But she got me though, I felt like a freaking criminal waiting on the charges to be read to me and then boom she lowered her voiced and dropped them on me.

She accused me of not stepping up to the plate, she charged me with having too many options, and she also deemed that i was too focused on my work and career. I was surely taken aback by all these allegations yet I couldn’t tell her I truly feel because for once, I wasn’t going to fight back. I was going to let her go before things could get any serious. She wanted to go and her actions displayed. I needed her to stay but I had to let her go ‘for she wasn’t mine. She never gave me her love yet she felt the need to take it away. Deep within though, I was in tears but I couldn’t let it be known. I had to be strong for all those brothers out there who like to take their time and make sure that whatever situation they go into, it is in their best interest. I ain’t want this heffa to force me to commit but then again I never reneged on my intentions. She knew where my heart was, all she had to do was give me time. But oh no, shawty couldn’t wait. She needed to get pretty and go to fancy restaurants, ordering crazy dish like fillet mignon, and sippin’ on 5-star champagne from places that she can’t even point to on a map. She wanted the glitz, so when she said her peace I said peace too. You cannot cage a bird, you have to let it fly and find its own way home. I was ready to let this bird go, not because I didn’t care, but because I refused to let someone control my shit. I refused to accept this ultimatum. Like Pac says, ‘my momma ain’t raise no fool’.

For a moment, I thought our companionship would grow, but I guess now we’ll never know how the high seeds we planted would develop. I’ve always believed that you couldn’t or shouldn’t miss something that was never yours but the hope that this situation presented was far greater than many others, the joy and meaning she brought, although fleetingly, it was sufficient enough to make one wonders.

So why is she dating again??? She found in them what I couldn’t provide. Like Mariano Rivera, she needed a closer but for whatever reason I was only a middle inning reliever. So today, I learned a child’ lesson. One’s heart is not something that can be seized, no matter how much one may love.

11-29-03