A Confession

So this is the only place you’re going to read this, I refuse to text, email, or call you to explain this. This entry will be the only one in this blog where I will admit that I miss you. So if you want to know I suggest you come here to read it. Only problem is that you will have to come here to know that my confession can be found here. I don’t know how you'll find out because I am not going to tell you.

So perhaps you'll never know and that’s ok too because when you fuck up I forgive you and I fuck up, well, let’s leave that alone.

I confess that I still have all these feelings for you and it has been tough on me; way harder than I thought it would be. I know you think it hasn’t because I have been so distant and cold. I have tried my best to make you believe that I really don’t care that our friendship is over. Every other time we've ended our friendship I always cried and confessed my sorrow but this time I will keep my sorrow as far away from you as possible. I know this makes you think that I am not feeling any sorrow but if you believe that then you must not know me at all. You make everything so hard to explain and you’re so difficult to deal with and it hurts to know that I cannot open up to you because in your world everything is supposed to be perfect. People cannot make mistakes so therefore, your world I exit, and this time, regardless if I am the most hated, I will at least have my sanity.

You asked me why I acted the way I did when you came back, the truth is, the things you said to me were too cruel to be forgotten. I couldn’t imagine why you said them in the first place and all of a sudden you came back and I am supposed to forget them. Your sorry meant a lot but at the same time, it wasn’t enough. There is no way that I could forgive and move past your words even if they were only said in the heat of passion and anger. Just the simple fact that you would think to fix your lips to express such meanness to me lets me know that our friendship has come to its final resting place. You act like you have nothing to lose and can express yourself at any given time but it cannot be like that. Sometimes it’s hard to take things back especially when you cannot control the effect it can have on the other party. I will mourn its demise and move on, but I will not try to resuscitate or revive that which is terminal. No matter how angry or hurt I would never have said the things you said to me and I would never have used your hidden sorrows to cause you pain. See, I respected you. I felled for you. I made you part of my life. I told you things. I opened up to you. All you wanted to do was come up with stories and reasons as to why we couldn’t be, as to why we shouldn’t be, You took things that I told you in confidence and used them to hurt me on purpose. You wanted to see me in pain. There is no way I can move past that to rekindle this.

I know that you miss me and if you need to call me to express that you can but don’t call me anymore if your only motive is to cause me more distress. Acting like I never care, questioning my every move and motive. You claim to have cared for me but this is the most conditional and repressive feeling I have ever known. You want to care for me on your terms only in your way only on your time only on your say so only. You want to have me to yourself and lock me away for safekeeping and share me with no one and express your feelings to me when it is convenient for you. You want me to show you everything I got, and make you my number one priority and care for you unconditionally and always but you have no intention of giving that back. The truth is that there never was as much wrong with me as you made me think there was except that I so was blindly falling for you that I dropped all notions of rationality and logic and focus and self-dependence. I so wanted you…but you made me see.

This is my final confession. I am not accepting any comments for this one.